Through Every Storm...

I've been going through a tough time lately. A few months back, I suffered what seemed a confusing and painful betrayal by someone I had grown to love rather quickly. I really felt like God had put this person in my life for a reason... and when unexpected tragedy struck, I was there, doing all I could to stand in the gap for her and her family. I prayed for her, cried for her, sacrificed personal time and money... and when the opportunity arose, I tried to talk to her about her eternal destiny. Unsure and concerned that my friend had trusted Christ with her life, it seemed the only loving thing to do...

She seemed appreciative... and maybe a little thoughtful...at first. But as the weeks wore on, I began to notice a change; almost a decisive shift back towards her old ways. And although I couldn't explain it, for the first time, I felt an uneasiness in our relationship. I felt it unraveling, but was at a loss as to how to stop it. And then, it seemed almost overnight, she pushed me out the door...and quietly closed it. The loss, unexpected and significant on more than one level, hurt my family, and broke my heart into little pieces.  The people close to me didn't understand it, said it was "unfair", and it just made me feel all the worse. I struggled through feelings of anger, hurt, sadness, resentment, regret... And in a weak moment, I let her have it, voicing my displeasure at the injustice of it all. 

But then God startled me with a humbling revelation: "Alison, now you finally know how Jesus feels..." It hit me like a ton of bricks. Jesus, the son of God, who came to seek and save the lost... who did nothing but love and give and sacrifice... and yet He was rejected by the very ones He came to save. He was scorned, ridiculed, beaten and killed, and yet He, unlike me, never even opened his mouth! He didn't lash out. He didn't attempt to bring justice to the situation. He just let it be. He forgave them and He prayed for them.    (Amazing love; how can it be?!) 

So I humbled myself, and I asked forgiveness -- because I am called to look like Christ, even when it's hard...especially when it is hard.  I committed to the Lord to apply I Peter 3:8-9.  But it still hurt. I have been reading an excellent book, Love Walked Among Us by Paul E. Miller. It explains my struggle aptly: "Rejection disorients us. We get angry at the person who wrote us off, but wonder what is wrong with us. Even worse, betrayal adds broken intimacy and deceit to all the pain and confusion of rejection. It doesn't just put a single relationship in doubt, but our whole ability to relate, confusing us to the point of insanity."

Yup. That pretty much sums it up. I went back and forth in my mind, so many times...wondering if it was somehow my fault...beating myself up for what I could have done differently, for what I should have done differently. But I had to realize that God was still in control. He had His reasons for allowing things to happen as they did.  No, I hadn't been the "perfect Christian" in every circumstance. And, yes, I think I had allowed the friendship to become too important to me...all sin I had to confess. But He knew the pure intentions in my heart, and forgave the impure ones, so I could rest in that.

Not long after that, I reconnected with an old friend from seminary. This godly pastor's wife has a gift for evangelism and loves people. Through my tears, I poured my heart out to her. I wanted her to give me a "magic bullet"...to tell me how to "fix it".  She didn't say what I wanted to hear, but she did say what I needed to hear... and her words were like soothing salve for my hurting soul.

She said, "Sweet Alison, I have the perfect answer...you have to let her and her husband go. Give God time to work. Love everybody like Christ, but don't try to change them... You were more like Christ than most other Christians I know, including myself. When we live in a day where it's all about "me"... and I really struggle with that with 5 kids, you gave so sacrificially. It's really amazing what you did.... and God will use that; whether it be her or someone else that saw you give sacrificially. You are such an amazing woman of God. They will be lined up for miles in heaven to tell of how you made a difference in their lives... :-)... and being faithful is all that matters at the end of the day or our lives. You probably planted more seeds than you ever could imagine...."

I hope so.  Sometimes the most loving thing you can do it let go, and let people figure things out for themselves.  I have no idea if I made a difference, and I certainly don't know what the future holds.  I still feel sad and frustrated some days. But I have finally gotten to the place that it is okay.  I know the One who holds the future, and my confidence is in Him...not in myself, in others, or in circumstances around me.  He understands the unseen things, He is never taken by surprise, and He holds onto me with His amazing, infinite, steadfast love.  And He is enough.

For the mountains may be removed and the hills may shake, but My lovingkindness will not be removed from you, and My covenant of peace will not be shaken, says the Lord who has compassion on you. ~ Isaiah 54:10

Serving Others

My family and I spent the day today serving others alongside our college students & other church members at an apartment complex here in Jacksonville. Pastor Hung and some people from the Korean ministry had been going out there for awhile to help the residents, many whom are new to the country. There are many needs for material goods, jobs, learning English... Today the focus was a "Fall festival" for the children, complete with lots of free food, games, face-painting, balloons, music testimonies, and the raffling of turkeys!

I'll admit I was a little nervous about going because it is a high crime and high gang area. I wasn't sure what to expect and I was a little concerned about our safety. And I wasn't sure how the people who lived there would respond to us... It was all so unknown. But what a blessing it turned out to be! It was interesting to spend time with people from all over the world. Some of the people are from Jacksonville; many of them are from Angola, Bosnia, and every place in between. About 80% are Muslim, and all are low-income.

Do you know what I found? None of that mattered. We were just people. Race, background, socioeconomic status, even religious beliefs -- didn't come between us. The people, some of whom were skeptical at first, warmed up quickly. The children, many of whom don't get much time with their hard-working parents, loved all the attention. And we all had fun enjoying a Saturday afternoon together.

It helps, at times, to be reminded that I am here on this earth for a specific purpose. That - on the days when things are rough, on the days friends are distant, on the days I wonder if I make a difference...am I doing anything to be a light in this world... that God shows me that He can use me when I make myself available.

Somewhere Down the Road...

by Amy Grant

So much pain and no good reason why
You’ve cried until the tears run dry
And nothing else can make you understand
The one thing that you held so dear
Is slipping from your hand
And you say

Why, why, why
Does it go this way?
Why, why, why?
And all I can say is

Somewhere down the road
There’ll be answers to the questions
Somewhere down the road
Though we cannot see it now
And somewhere down the road
You will find mighty arms reaching for you
And they will hold the answers at the end of the road

Yesterday I thought I’d seen it all
I thought I’d climbed the highest wall
Now I see the learning never ends
And all I know to do is keep on walking
Walking ’round the bend singing

Why, why, why
Does it go this way?
Why, why, why?
And all I can say is

Somewhere down the road
There’ll be answers to the questions
Somewhere down the road
Though we cannot see it now
And somewhere down the road
You will find mighty arms reaching for you
And they will hold the answers at the end of the road

Spilled Milk

Oh, my... what we learn from our children. My son spilled his milk on the table the other day. Accidents happen of course. And since he doesn't make a habit of spilling, I wouldn't have been particularly angry...if the reason he spilled it hadn't been the fact that he was stubbornly reaching for something I told him not to reach for.

I raised my voice, reprimanding him for spilling his milk, and angrily cleaned it up. I didn't say a wealth of words... but he knew I was unhappy. He laid his little head on the table and cried.

"You don't like me! You don't like me! You're mad at me for spilling my milk."

After reassuring him that I still loved him, I then had to calmly explain that the "spilling of the milk" was not the real offense, but the attitude of his heart that caused the spilling of the milk. I then told him I was sorry for yelling at him, and asked him to please forgive me. He said he would; I said some more reassuring words, and thought that would be sufficient.

A few minutes later he looked at me with a scowl on his face and said, "Well, I'm still mad at you. You hurt my feelings!" Then he went ON and ON about my many offenses, what I said to him, how I said it, accused me of things I didn't even say!!! Wow! Nothing like being held over the fire by a four-year-old. As I was sitting there thinking of what to say to him -- and then offered my sincerest apologies a second time, along with a lame attempt to explain the biblical command to "forgive", I couldn't help smirking inside... Right at that very moment, I realized my little boy was just like me! (And it wasn't pretty!)

How many times did I hold a grudge against my husband... a family member... a friend... maybe even a perfect stranger? How many times did I say "I forgive you", but not really mean it? How many times did I hold people "over the fire", making them pay for some offense when there was nothing they could do to escape my wrath??? I can tell you that being on the receiving end, I didn't like it very well! And I had to say, "Forgive me, Lord. Forgive me for so often failing to forgive. Make me quick to forgive, as You are quick to forgive. And how much sweeter does it make Your grace... that You forgive me, a sinner far less worthy in your sight than any person who offends me!" Amen.

Christianity is NOT a Religion

I was at church a few weeks ago, and a college student in our group had on a t-shirt that caught my eye. It said something along the lines of, "Christianity is NOT a religion. Religion is man trying to work his way to God; Christianity is God coming to man through a relationship with Jesus Christ."

Touche! I thought it was really well-said in a very succinct way. While I was still thinking about the subject, I ran across this video by Mark Driscoll, a pastor in Seattle. His sermon expounds on the subject further; I love his down-to-earth (yet not watered-down) approach to ministry...



It's mind-boggling to me how easy it is ~ even for those of us who are believers who have walked with Christ for some time ~ to get caught up in pharisitical, "religious" thoughts and attitudes sometimes. The first time I heard this message, I was reminded... and so humbled by what Jesus did for me. It's not anything I did; not anything I said; it's not who I am that saved me... It's not about me at all; it's all about Him and His amazing grace!

Amazing grace, how sweet the sound
that saved a wretch like me!
I once was lost, but now I'm found;
was blind, but now I see!

Thank you, Jesus.

Life is a Journey, Not a Destination!

How Could I Ask for More?
(by singer/songwriter Cindy Morgan)

There's nothing like the warmth of a summer afternoon
Walking to the sunlight, and being cradled my the moon
Catching fireflies at night
Building castles in the sand
Kissing Mama's face goodnight
And holding Daddy's hand
Thank you Lord; how could I ask for more?

Running barefoot in the grass
A little hide and go seek
Being so in love, that you can hardly eat
Dancing in the dark, when there's no one else around
Being bundled 'neath the covers
Watching snow fall to the ground
Thank you Lord; how could I ask for more?

So many things I thought would bring me happiness
Some dreams that are realities today
Such an irony the things that mean the most to me
Are the memories that I've made along the way . . .

So if there's anything I've learned
From this journey I am on
Simple truths will keep you going,
Simple love will keep you strong
Cause there are questions without answers
Flames that never die
And heartaches we go through are often blessings in disguise
So thank you Lord, oh thank you Lord
How could I ask for more?

I really like this song by singer/songwriter Cindy Morgan. Every time I hear it, I am reminded of a snowy winter day in Austin, Texas. When Abby was about three, we were living in Austin, and had some good friends named Ken & Lori. Their youngest, Chloe, hit it off very well with Abby. We spent quite a bit of time together. Texas, of course, is predominately hot and dry. It doesn't rain as much as it does in Florida, and snow? Extremely rare. But that winter was unseasonably cold and wet, and one day, the forecast called for snow. We happened to be over at Ken & Lori's that evening, and Ken said, "Hey. I have a great idea. Why don't you guys spend the night with us. We can just all bunk out here in the family room, on the couches and the floor, and if it starts snowing, we can watch it come down together."

Scott & I looked at each other, wondering if he'd lost his mind! I was in the early stages of my pregnancy with Caleb, had a preschooler at home who was not a champion sleeper, and a husband with a very busy, thriving ministry. I thought to myself, "I am pregnant, too old, and way too tired for a slumber party. I want to sleep in my own bed!" But Ken was so enthusiastic, and his girls were insistent in their prodding, so we finally said, "Oh, okay." We went home, got our things, returned to their house, stayed up way too late watching movies and eating junk food, and finally drifted off to sleep . . . all 8 1/2 of us, in their family room.

I don't remember who woke up first, but sure enough, it started snowing around 3:00 in the morning. Huge snowflakes fell to the ground, while the kids jumped up and down, squealing, and we adults looked on from underneath our blankets, eyes half-closed, exhausted smiles on our faces. It was the first time Abby & Chloe had ever seen snow, and a long time since the rest of us had seen it. The snow fell for what seemed like forever, completely covering everything in site by the time we fell back to sleep. First thing in the morning, we bundled up and trudged outside to enjoy it, firsthand.

That memory is one of MANY wonderful ones I have "made along the way". I wouldn't trade it for anything... and yet, we almost missed it! Indeed, we would have missed it, if not for our crazy friend, Ken. We get so busy in life... sometimes just in the living, but often in focusing on the next thing. We strive so hard to reach our goals, attain our desires, realize our dreams... it can become the focal point of our lives, and we forget to live here and now. If we are not careful, we can miss out on opportunities to enjoy simple, meaningful moments along the way. Those "destination" moments in life are certainly gratifying . . . and yet, looking back, we often realize real life is not in the arrival at the destination, but in the "journey" we traveled to get there!

As a young woman, I can remember being consumed with the my future plans. I remember thinking things like, "When I finally graduate, then I'll be happy... When I get a good job, then, life will be great ... When I finally get married... When I finally have baby... When, when, when..." Even now, I can fail to appreciate the here and now, with thoughts like, "When we move... When Scott finished his education... When I lose 20 more pounds... When both my kids are finally in school..." (Does anybody relate?)

The older I get, the more I mellow I become. (This is a good thing; ask my husband!) I used to think only the "big" things, the really exciting things in life were worth noting. But now, I realize there is joy in the simple things... my little boy's hugs & kisses... my daughter's thoughtful reflections... my husband's sense of humor... a nature walk on a beautiful day... a conversation with a good friend... splashing at the ocean's edge at dusk... curling up with a cup of tea and a good book...

Don't get me wrong: I still overlook a lot of life. My hindsight may be 20/20, but I am still learning to bring my foresight into focus! I'm getting there. I hope you are too . . . because the majority of life isn't lived in the mountain-top moments; it's lived in our everyday experiences... Experiences that are awfully sweet in the end. Don't miss out on them :)!

Dr. Caleb

I went to the doctor the other day, and Caleb was with me. There wasn't much to do while we were waiting, so I started pointed to the chart on the wall, showing the inside organs. He says, "Mom, what's wrong with that guy? What is he sick with?" I said, "He is not sick." He said, "Well, then why is he all blue?" So I said, "Because they are just showing you what he looks like without skin on. Those are the organs that are inside our bodies." So he started asking all these (highly intelligent) questions, like: What's the blue tube going to the heart; what's the red tube going to the heart, and how are they different? What's this bean-shaped thing do (kidney)?; how does pee travel from the kidney out the body? Well, what about poop?"!

Well, anyone who knows anything about preschoolers knows that they are all about bodily functions, so I decided a lesson in poop might be just the thing to tie him over until the doctor comes in! Besides, I know ALL about the digestive system, given our family's history. I could talk semi-intelligently about it all day. So we picked up an anatomy book, and I started explaining how saliva starts the process of breaking down food, yadda, yadda . . . By the time I am getting to the large intestine, he stops me and says, "Mom, what is that brown stuff." I said, "What do you think it is?" He said, "I think that's poop!" I said, "That's right." He looks up at me, eyes wide, and says, "That's FASCINATING!"

Real Christianity

Okay, I know this comment is a little out of step for a pastor's wife... but honestly, sometimes Christians get on my nerves. More specifically, sometimes traditional Baptist Christians get on my nerves. Don't get me wrong: I'm thankful for my heritage. I love being a part of the family of God. And I could no more separate myself from my faith than I could cut off my right leg! But it concerns me when people refuse to see anything from outside their "Baptist bubble". They are just so immersed in a culture of talking, walking, thinking, dressing, living, breathing... in a certain way. They are so busy speaking Christianese, they have totally lost touch with the rest of the world.

Equally disconcerting to me are Christians who have cast off traditional religion in favor of a faith marked by "social activism". They rightly insist that if God is love, then Christians should care about the social ills of the world. Absolutely true. But while embracing God's love, it is still necessary to address His holiness. I see a disturbing pattern among certain groups of Christians who have begun to see biblical standards as relative, and sinful patterns as tolerable --after all, does it really matter how they conduct their personal lives, as long as they are "good" people trying to make the world a better place?

Both of these positions are flawed, and quite frankly, both reflect a degree of spiritual immaturity. The Bible says we are to be in the world, but not of the world. So what exactly does that mean?

If we are to be obedient Christians, we have to be in the the world! Some Christians are so afraid of becoming "of the world", they avoid it altogether. But authentic faith is not a series of platitudes and religious works. Authentic faith shows itself best when we become the eyes, hands, feet and heart of Jesus. I find it offensive when "mature" Christians refer to unbelievers as though they are lepers to be avoided at all costs (unless you are rubbing shoulders with them only to offer the "prescriptive cure" for what ails them!)

Jesus didn't shy away from those who did not know Him. He was not afraid of "getting his hands dirty". He did not hold them at arm's length while He shouted "repent" from a nearby mountain-top! Christ spent time with people of all persuasions. He ate with tax collectors and sinners. He was criticized by the 'religious people' of the day, but He didn't care because He loved them. And in his genuine love for them, He sought to show them the truth they desperately needed. Jesus always knew where they were at, and what their struggles were. He knew what made them tick. He was highly sensitive, always approaching the person with a fitting message at the opportune time.

Do you have genuine love for people who may not know Christ? Do you see each person as a unique individual made in the image of God, and deeply loved by Him? Do you think it's possible that someone who may not believe like you do might even have something to offer you ~ as a result of the common grace God so richly bestows on all of mankind??? HOW can you hope to interest someone in sincere faith in Christ, if you merely see that person as a means to an end? Or if you feel (and most likely communicate) that you are somehow superior to him or her? Make no mistake about it, the only difference between you and the person furthest from God is the cross. Don't ever forget it, and let it humble you.

If, on the other hand, you are patting yourself on the back because you are not afraid to immerse yourself in the culture, guard yourself, lest you become of the world. I am not suggesting that you bind yourself up in long list of man-made "religious rules". But you do answer to the Lord if you have committed your life to Him. Don't think for a minute that you truly impact others for Christ by living a compromising brand of Christianity. Sure, your "faith" may be attractive to the masses, but faith devoid of personal responsibility is deceptive. And there's nothing loving about that. Romans 12:2 says: "Do not be conformed to this world , but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God..." Christianity is not a cult, but neither is it a country club! Never forget you were bought with a price.

Biblical Christians are balanced Christians. God is both completely loving and completely holy, and we are to strive to be like Him. We are surrounded by people on a daily basis who desperately need a glimpse of real Christianity. Obviously, none of us are perfect, or we wouldn't need a Savior! But by the grace of God, we can learn to be in the world without being of it. We can choose to truly care for people - whoever or wherever they are... We can invest enough time in those around us to earn their trust and a listening ear... We can be strong and unwavering in our convictions... And, in doing so, we can impact our world.

Sibling Rivalry...Sorta

So I came out into the kitchen yesterday morning, and little Caleb was pouting. "What's wrong?" I ask.

"I don't like my sister!" he frowns.

"Why?", I ask, expecting to hear the typical stuff, like, "she snatched my favorite toy, hit me, poked me, changed the channel when I was watching Spongebob", you know, all those things siblings do to show their great affection for one another.

So he says, "She made her bed faster than I did!"

"Yeah, so..."

"Well, she ALWAYS beats me in making her bed."

I am smiling to myself now, thinking, "oh-my-goodness, only a Melancholy child could actually have a problem with this!"

So I say, "Well, I'll tell ya what. Monday, while Abby is at school, you can spend the whole day practicing making your bed up, so you can get so FAST at it, you will beat her from now on! And then she'll be upset that you are better at it than her!"

...to which my Sanguine daughter promptly responded, "HA. Fat chance!" (She can care less, of course, if her bed is made at all, never mind the fastest. She could probably care less if she can find her bed.)

Darn. So much for a little 'healthy competition' as a motivating factor for neat bedrooms!

Today is April Fool's Day . . .

. . . far be it from me to miss out on an opportunity to play a practical joke!

My daughter woke up this morning, very enthusiastic about playing a practical joke on her dad. I laughed as she got the cereal boxes down from the closet, switching the bags around in hopes that her dad would get the "wrong cereal". Scott eats cereal almost every day, but today ~ much to his credit and Abby's disappointment ~ he skipped breakfast.

I told her not to worry; I would help her construct a plan to trick him later. So while she was at school, I thought of another simplistic yet potentially funny plan: Due to our feverish pace (and long evening) at church on Wed. nights, I usually pick up McDonald's along the way. Our family shovels it in before the kids get hauled off to their classes, and Scott & I have Bible study with the college group.

So tonight, instead of his usual order, I thought I would "accidentally" see to it that Scott's bag has a fish sandwich in it. (He hates fish.) He'll likely pull it out, too busy talking to someone to pay attention to it until he unwraps it, and takes a good look. Then I can exclaim, "Ohmigosh! The lady at McD's gave you the wrong sandwich! Oh, man. I know you really hate fish. I would've traded with you, but I ate mine on the way here . . ." April fools! Ha, ha, ha! (See what one resorts to for entertainment when she is a stay-at-home mom?)

Krispy Kreme Nostalgia

You know how certain songs, food, places or people evoke certain memories and emotions? I feel that way about Krispy Kreme doughnuts! Whenever I bite into a hot original glazed, I am reminded of the frozen Morton doughnuts my mother used to pop into our oven on Sunday mornings. They were much cheaper, of course, and every bit as delicious!

I grew up in N.J., and, for those of you who grew up in the South, I am sure you are aware that it is not the Bible Belt! We weren't going to church, but my mother was determined that we get a "dose of religion", so she insisted that our family watch a televised church service. She would fix Morton glazed doughnuts, and we would eat breakfast in the living room while we watched Rex Humbard's telecast from Madison Square Garden. Rex would preach; his wife (Maudami) and daughter (Liz) would sing. And - my favorite part of all - his grandchildren (all 6 of them), dressed in their Sunday best, would sing songs that I learned by heart.

It was there in that small living room, in the quietness of my heart, that I accepted Jesus. I was nine. Later, I would confirm my commitment at Vacation Bible School. (I made a public profession of faith before I even knew what it was!) But it was those Sunday mornings with the Rex Humbard family that planted the seed that would change my life.

It amazes me that God - in his great sovereignty and love - would reach down from heaven, among all his creation, and point a finger towards a little girl, and make her His Own. He works in so many unforeseen ways. I am thankful that my mom listened to the tugging of the Holy Spirit in her heart. And I will forever love hot glazed doughnuts for reasons that go way beyond their delicious taste!

Smart Aleck!

This morning at the breakfast table our family was talking the day each child was born. The conversation moved to how hungry Abby was, and how she would cry every time I was close by because she could smell my "milk". Of course, though I started out that way, breastfeeding did not work for me with either one my children.

To my relief (and elimination of guilt), my children seem perfectly healthy and smart.

"See?" I commented to my husband, "our kids weren't breast-fed, and they are very smart."

"Well," he responds, "that's because to turn out smart, children either need to be breast-fed OR have an incredibly smart father."   :)

She's Done It Again

Every year, I say the same thing: this Christmas, I am not going to buy the kids too many gifts. I am not going to go overboard. I am going to buy them a few things, and that is it. And, of course, every year I go "overboard". ( Of course, "overboard" is a relative term for each person, depending on their budget and subjective standard of what is "enough".) Nevertheless, by my standards, I go a little overboard, and by my husband's, I go a lot overboard :)

I always think my kids are going to LOVE what they get, and I painstakingly take lots of time picking out their gifts. I don't really mind . . . I love to shop! Unfortunately, when the "big day" comes, they are usually excited about a few gifts; the others barely receive an acknowledgement. (Ingrates!) I end up thinking, "I shouldn't have bought that", and some of the gifts go back to the store.

As a grown woman of almost 40, you would think I would learn my lesson. But the truth is, in addition to my love for shopping, I just enjoy giving to my kids. I am sure I come by it honestly, since my mother is the same way. In and of itself, that's a good thing: it is more blessed to give than to receive. Nothing wrong with having joy in that! On the other hand -- I do need to be a good steward of both the money God gives us and of my children's hearts. I don't want them to get so much they are ungrateful. (We definitely tread down that path too often.)

So, I will continue to try to curb my gift-giving. I will continue to clean out old toys, and sell or donate them before buying new ones. I will continue to encourage my children to participate in giving to the less fortunate. And, yes, I will probably have to make a few more return trips to Target before I learn to buy less! But hopefully, I am getting there.