I've been going through a tough time lately. A few months back, I suffered what seemed a confusing and painful betrayal by someone I had grown to love rather quickly. I really felt like God had put this person in my life for a reason... and when unexpected tragedy struck, I was there, doing all I could to stand in the gap for her and her family. I prayed for her, cried for her, sacrificed personal time and money... and when the opportunity arose, I tried to talk to her about her eternal destiny. Unsure and concerned that my friend had trusted Christ with her life, it seemed the only loving thing to do...
She seemed appreciative... and maybe a little thoughtful...at first. But as the weeks wore on, I began to notice a change; almost a decisive shift back towards her old ways. And although I couldn't explain it, for the first time, I felt an uneasiness in our relationship. I felt it unraveling, but was at a loss as to how to stop it. And then, it seemed almost overnight, she pushed me out the door...and quietly closed it. The loss, unexpected and significant on more than one level, hurt my family, and broke my heart into little pieces. The people close to me didn't understand it, said it was "unfair", and it just made me feel all the worse. I struggled through feelings of anger, hurt, sadness, resentment, regret... And in a weak moment, I let her have it, voicing my displeasure at the injustice of it all.
But then God startled me with a humbling revelation: "Alison, now you finally know how Jesus feels..." It hit me like a ton of bricks. Jesus, the son of God, who came to seek and save the lost... who did nothing but love and give and sacrifice... and yet He was rejected by the very ones He came to save. He was scorned, ridiculed, beaten and killed, and yet He, unlike me, never even opened his mouth! He didn't lash out. He didn't attempt to bring justice to the situation. He just let it be. He forgave them and He prayed for them. (Amazing love; how can it be?!)
So I humbled myself, and I asked forgiveness -- because I am called to look like Christ, even when it's hard...especially when it is hard. I committed to the Lord to apply I Peter 3:8-9. But it still hurt. I have been reading an excellent book, Love Walked Among Us by Paul E. Miller. It explains my struggle aptly: "Rejection disorients us. We get angry at the person who wrote us off, but wonder what is wrong with us. Even worse, betrayal adds broken intimacy and deceit to all the pain and confusion of rejection. It doesn't just put a single relationship in doubt, but our whole ability to relate, confusing us to the point of insanity."
Yup. That pretty much sums it up. I went back and forth in my mind, so many times...wondering if it was somehow my fault...beating myself up for what I could have done differently, for what I should have done differently. But I had to realize that God was still in control. He had His reasons for allowing things to happen as they did. No, I hadn't been the "perfect Christian" in every circumstance. And, yes, I think I had allowed the friendship to become too important to me...all sin I had to confess. But He knew the pure intentions in my heart, and forgave the impure ones, so I could rest in that.
Not long after that, I reconnected with an old friend from seminary. This godly pastor's wife has a gift for evangelism and loves people. Through my tears, I poured my heart out to her. I wanted her to give me a "magic bullet"...to tell me how to "fix it". She didn't say what I wanted to hear, but she did say what I needed to hear... and her words were like soothing salve for my hurting soul.
She said, "Sweet Alison, I have the perfect answer...you have to let her and her husband go. Give God time to work. Love everybody like Christ, but don't try to change them... You were more like Christ than most other Christians I know, including myself. When we live in a day where it's all about "me"... and I really struggle with that with 5 kids, you gave so sacrificially. It's really amazing what you did.... and God will use that; whether it be her or someone else that saw you give sacrificially. You are such an amazing woman of God. They will be lined up for miles in heaven to tell of how you made a difference in their lives... :-)... and being faithful is all that matters at the end of the day or our lives. You probably planted more seeds than you ever could imagine...."
I hope so. Sometimes the most loving thing you can do it let go, and let people figure things out for themselves. I have no idea if I made a difference, and I certainly don't know what the future holds. I still feel sad and frustrated some days. But I have finally gotten to the place that it is okay. I know the One who holds the future, and my confidence is in Him...not in myself, in others, or in circumstances around me. He understands the unseen things, He is never taken by surprise, and He holds onto me with His amazing, infinite, steadfast love. And He is enough.
For the mountains may be removed and the hills may shake, but My lovingkindness will not be removed from you, and My covenant of peace will not be shaken, says the Lord who has compassion on you. ~ Isaiah 54:10
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